There's so much going on... (Note: I do not care that none of this is dolled up in big words, or gramatically correct. So shut the fuck up Lyns and don't bother commenting to let me know it's imperfections, it's just about as fucking annoying as one can get.)
So my lovely mother grabbed a pint of vodka and a bottle of Tylenol and takes off the other night. Leaving nothing but suicide notes to my sister and I. Apparently my little sister, in the middle of all of this, was either was too stoned to call me or didn't feel it was important enough, because I was out and didn't find out about the situation till close to 5 hours after it happened. Needless to say, for over 24 hours the cops couldn't find her. My dad had to fill out a fucking missing persons report. I had to come up with some lame ass "sick" excuse for her work. And listen to my dad freak out about the fact the cops recovered her car by the beverly salem bridge but couldn't find her. And my mother being the bitch she is, comes home drunk a day later with no apology to any of us.
Then, my sister threw another one of her fits. She locked herself in my parents room this morning with all the phones, including my cell phone and screamed at the top of her lungs for well over and hour. And I get in trouble with my dad when my neighbor calls my dad's cell to tell him one of his girls is screaming bloody murder and it's my neighbor's day off and blah blah blah..My dad comes up with this lame ass theory that every problem in my family is my fault cause I'm crazy even though I'm still standing outside the door trying to calm my sister down. It's fucking ridiculous.
Not to mention I have a cut on my upper arm that I did last night that definitely needed stitches, but I just settled for 3 layers of gauze and 6 band aids. It's ok now.
Then on top of it all I seriously thought I was having a heart attack last night. It felt like I did a shit load of adderall and drank half a bottle of Jameson. It was scary.
I went off my medication because my hun is so amazing and has changed my life so much for the better that meds aren't really an option. But my house is so stressed out with me making me GED announcement and trying to find a job. All my parents do is pick on me, and I have extremely high anxiety and it's taking its toll most definitely. The worst part is that I'm taking it out on Jamie so much these days and I don't know why. I'm really happy but I can't really prove that thru all this anxiety. So the other night I went out and talked to the woman who works on my medications, and I asked her to put me on a low dose of my anxiety medication and the valium for the borderline. So now I'm on a healthy dose of lithium and valium, twice daily. And the last couple of days it's been rough trying to adjust to it. I've been really out of control and haven't been able to think straight, but today things seemed different. And I have a feeling I'll be fine till Jamie and I leave. And if things start up I'll just count down the days till we go and remember this bullshit isn't forever, but what him and I have is. In fact it's forever and two days. And that's enough motivation to keep me from snapping again like this.
Anyway to make a long story short I wasn't having a heart attack like I said I thought I was, just the worst panic attack of my life. I did hurt myself, but only once, and then after I got the bleeding to stop I took a sleeping pill and went to bed. And I don't care what anyone says, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that the only pills I took were one sleeping pill and not every bottle of pills I could find. I think that in the scheme of things I've come a long way in not wanting to die anymore, and trying my best to deal with problems as they hit me. I've definitely been more rational. No longer playing the "probably should die" game. Things seem better in my head because now I can justify to myself what I'm doing.
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